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I have 2 legitimate fears in life.

1) Spiders

Yes I realize they are small and probably more scared of me than I am of them, but they terrify the bejesus out of me. Something about their little legs and the way they scurry around. Also the fact that they only show up when NO ONE else is around to kill them for me — I can’t even kill the things without having a minor panic attack. I don’t care how useful they are or what they do for the microcosm and environment – they gonna’ die.

 

2) Zombies.

No, I don’t care if they are “only” a hollywood character as some may argue — these bitches are coming, and I am going to be ready. You think I am kidding, but I have a huge deathly fear of zombies. Maybe not the glamorized flesh-eating dead come to life creatures we see in movies, but the idea is definitely possible. Think about every pandemic that has occurred in history, from bubonic plague to more recent SARS — all it takes is one outbreak of something that will cause massive damage to the human race, causing people to continuously spread a deadly illness that will turn your neighbours into deadly creatures (or at least contagious infectious a-holes), and it is only a mere while before the world is ending and anarchy takes over and we kill each other off. CHEW on that for a while.

Speaking of zombies, I was always too paranoid to watch movies about them – over time I have gotten better thanks to the Walking Dead and have realized that it is possible to survive and easy to kill the motherF-ers… but yes, I still get bad dreams from watching it… the end is near, people… and more often than not, I am thinking in terms of “ability to survive the zombies when ___” or “how this ____ will come in handy against zombies”.

Part of my zombie survival plan is A) learn to shoot a gun (I have yet to do this…. let alone ever even hold a gun, but that is beyond the point, it is on the ‘to-do’ list). And more importantly B) Cardio — you think I am joking, don’t laugh, who do you think is going down first? Yah, that fat people and the sluggish, and I will be damned if you are holding me back from survival.

Every day I go to the gym at lunch (where, by the way, there is a multitude of interesting people who I have a bad habit/affinity with taking pictures of to document my intrigue – more on that in future posts). There is an indoor track where I spend my time running, as the nuclear winter here ruins any outdoor training.

One Monday, about a week ago, I was enjoying my run when I noticed a man in the distance of the oval limping and dragging his arm. Keep in mind I don’t run with glasses on, and the night before had been the Walking Dead, so my zombie-radar was on high alert. As I got closer, I noticed this older frail man walking IDENTICAL to a zombie — I nearly had a heart attack, telling myself “why would a zombie be walking on a track?” and “maybe it will make you run faster”…. As I went by him I had mixed emotions of “nice to see this old man is trying to rehabilitate after likely having a stroke” and “holy shit this dead guy walking is going to reach out and try to eat me as I go by” – Every single time I passed him.

I really wanted to take a picture or video to prove how incredibly spot on this guy had the zombie walk down, but figured it wouldn’t be too politically correct to be terrified of, and filming a stroke victim…. next time

Needless to say, it instilled in my mind the importance of cardio both for zombie dodging purposes as well as for rehabilitation.

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