Some of the shit my mom says I couldn’t even make up.

She texted me last night telling me to “stay warm, marie. It’s cold there”. I should mention her absolute unbelievable fascination with the weather. If her TV only got one channel, and it was the weather network, she would be happier than a fat kid with a piñata and a pizza. I get at least 2 texts a day regarding the weather where I live (she lives in the retirement capital of Canada, they don’t even have weather systems there, they have sun and rain, and Jesus help us if they got a skiff of snow – not that it would matter, because my mother would have known far in advance and have collected an entire bomb shelter’s worth of supplies before the first flake even fell from the sky). She will call or text and warn me of a storm coming in, or the fact that my city is the second coldest place on the planet (true story — we have set records before), or that it is snowing outside where I live (because she must assume I have no windows and work in a max security prison instead of an office), or telling me that I am lying about the temperature here because the weather channel told her otherwise… she loves the weather — and loves worrying about the weather.

Now often times if I am just too tired and lazy and don’t have the energy to humour her, so I won’t reply to her texts because of the ensuing hour and a half of her 5 page long texts about the weather, or worse, she would call and ramble on for 45 minutes about – you guessed it, the weather.

Last night she texted me to ask if I was warm and if it was still snowing. I chose not to answer. 10 minutes later my phone rings – I guess my no answering concerned her that I might be stuck in a snow drift somewhere and on the verge of death.

Mom: “Oh goodie, the phone worked this time. I was worried that your phone was cut off because I tried calling about 7 times and it wouldn’t work…. Did you always have to dial a “1” in front of the area code, Marie??”

Me: “um.. you have always had to put a “1” in front of every area code for long distance calls… I’m pretty sure you have had to do that since dinosaurs roamed the earth”

Mom: “Oh God. Don’t say that Marie I am not losing my mind… My brain is fuzzy, I feel like the Wizard of Oz… just like the Tin Man…”

Me: “Wha… never mind…”

She then hung up, and I sat there staring at my phone wondering what the hell just happened, and decided just to leave it at that.

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