Let me start off by explaining and interesting anomaly that occurs every single year here in the cold cold north – I like to call it idiot drivers who forget how to drive after a summer without snow on the roads… also delightfully referred to as “first snowfall of the year”. It isn’t as if we DON’T have a winter here – we do, every god damn year, and it is usually significantly and exponentially worse in snowfall amounts and temperature each year. I wish I was exaggerating, I really do, but every year I live here it seems as though nuclear winter is ever looming. The other interesting fact about this first snowfall of the year is the fact that is always seems to happen on a monday — always. I feel as though statisticians could collect the date and conclude the same: someone out there in control of weather just loves a good laugh, I can’t blame them, because from afar it is pretty funny watching all the cars whose owners were too lazy or in denial to put their winter tires on slide around the roads like curling rocks while the idiot next to them is polishing the ice while flooring their gas pedal in belief that magically this extra power will help get them up an ice covered hill. It really is a comedy in itself to watch UNLESS you have somewhere to be.
(on a side note, I am also that idiot who had put off putting my winter tires on my car, thus I have been driving Ron Burgundy just to be safe)
After heading to the gym at lunch and realizing I definitely didn’t bring my runners with me after getting dressed, I had to take the walk of shame back out to my car. At this point, a few flakes had started to fall – glad I took the truck today.
3pm – the snow is just coming down hard. great. I have to drive home in this with every other idiot on the first snowfall of the year.
4:20 – sneak out of work “early” in hopes of beating the rush… apparently everyone else in the area had the same ingenious plan. Start driving and realize by the first set of lights as my massive ugly truck is barreling and sliding towards traffic that the snow has created a sheet of ice on top of the roads. There are cars and trucks sliding into everything. It is greasier than Lindsay Lohan’s panties out here. Traffic congestion though, not too bad! Until I hit the city.
4:40pm – my usual 5 minute jaunt to the city I make it to the intersection by the Wal-mart and dead stop. I wish Wal-Mart sold liquor in Canada.
5:15pm – text my boyfriend – I have moved less than 1 foot per minute, I could crab walk faster than this. Our appointment down town for 6pm isn’t looking hopeful, but maybe the rest of the city is ok!
5:20pm – text again – I am about to ditch this bitch and start jogging towards home. Call the appointment and say we may be late.
5:30pm – ditch the truck down a side street, slam the door, started jogging down the peaceful white residential streets and meet boyfriend in his car a few minutes later.
When I said I was going to stay positive and get to my appointment on time, was I ever wrong, and this is why I am never positive – it just makes you angrier – true story.
Traffic into down town was at a stand still – the steep hill into the valley was like a luge track, and I couldn’t count the number of dumb shits who thought “hey my front wheel drive prius with bald summer tires will totally make it up this sheet of ice! why don’t I just step on it and go?”
6pm – traffic is not moving, although it is entertaining watching trucks scrape the guard rails and flooring it over the bridges at 3km/h. Every lane but ours seems to be actually moving – I don’t dare mention it to the boyfriend who looks as if he could snap any second and has had about a full pack of smokes since we started out.
Me: this is how I imagine the zombie apocalypse will be like. Everyone trying to get the fuck out of here but grid lock everywhere. And more zombies. I swear that homeless man is a zombie. He’s eyeing me up
Him: You would legitimately get eaten and die
Me: You are probably right.
7pm – FINALLY make it to the street of our appointment and arrive 20 minutes later after dodging an accordian bus that has jack-knifed in the middle of the road.
7:30pm – 3 HOURS on the road, 1 eye-twitching raging man and 1 and a half hours late. Luckily, the tattoo artist and shop is amazing and were just happy we made it (Crimson Empire Tattoo)
And that is how the finger moustache came to be in all it’s glory
(All proceeds go to fund prostate cancer research, and I fucking love moustaches)